There is not a single one of these children that I do not love, that I would not take home with me in a heartbeat if I could. But there are certain ones that capture your heart in a different way, a special connection. And he is one of those.
I have read many stories of children being adopted, and the majority of them, particularly those from overseas, go through a grieving process. It's something I never fully understood until now. Adoption is wonderful and amazing, and each of these precious children need a family who will take them in, love them, and make them their own. But being here in China with these children before they meet their families has given me a whole new perspective.
A child's life doesn't begin when they are placed in a family. They've already been living. They have experienced a life that has become familiar. They have a routine that they know, heard a language they understand, discovered likes and dislikes, formed attachments... This is the life they know, and as much as we might know that they need a family, and they will be the better for it, that is not something that's easily explained to a two-year-old.
I can hardly imagine what it would be like to suddenly be torn from everything known and safe, to be taken from your familiar routine, familiar food, familiar language, people you love, and never return. Even if you did fully understand that where you're going is better, it would still be extremely difficult. What would it be like if you didn't understand it at all?
I know how hard it is for me to let go of this little one, being one of the people he loves (and it's mutual, trust me), even when I know it's what's best for him. My heart breaks when I think of how hard it will be for him, not fully comprehending why he's so suddenly taken away, and handed over to people he's never met before. He will grieve.
I've heard it said that little children don't understand when someone leaves that they will come back, or even that they still exist. When you leave a baby at the babysitter's and they cry, it's because they think you've really left them for good. And they grieve for you as though you had died. I've seen this over and over.
'My' little guy is usually pretty happy-go-lucky, but on one particularly rough day, as I left the room at the end of my 'work' time, he turned around, saw I had gone, and immediately burst into tears. It reminded me of the first day I really got to know him, when he clung close to me for a whole day, and cried if I stepped away from him for a minute. I couldn't let him cry. I couldn't let him grieve before it was time. So I went back into the room, scooped him up, and held him close, whispering in his ear how much he was loved, that he wouldn't be left alone, that I would come back...
My hope for him is that his grief will be short-lived, that he will quickly learn to love his new family, and attach to them as readily and fully as he attached to me. And I hope for grace and blessing on these special people who can truly stay in his life forever, who will never leave him, and who will love and care for him always.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Her Eyes
Those luminous brown eyes lock onto mine as I walk into the room. They don't look at me out of fear or surprise - there's no emotion there at all, really. But those eyes capture me. The eyes in which there is no hope.
I kneel down and caress this sweet little one's head as she gazes at me and leans into my touch. She has a perfect rosebud mouth, beautiful round cheeks, and those big, dark eyes...
She should be happy, affectionate, expressive, and stubborn like other little children I know with that special extra chromosome. But instead, she is sad, weary, far too old and care-worn for her two years....
I stroke her little hand - so dry and warm to the touch. She slowly grips my finger and won't let go. My attempts to make her smile are met with those oh, so quiet, sad eyes looking into mine. I take her other hand and encourage her to walk to me. She takes slow, unsure little steps, and comes close. I place my forehead to hers, and she rests her weary little head on my stronger one.
I pull her into my lap and sing softly to her of the One who made her with such care and special purpose, and loves her, oh, so much. She promptly falls asleep in my arms, still clinging to my finger with a grip that tightens, even in sleep, if I try to remove it.
As I rock her, I ask for hope and joy to be seen in those eyes very soon.... This is all I can do, as I hand over to the One who cares the pieces of my broken heart that are mingled with those of this precious one.
Not even the best care can take the place of a mother's loving arms, forever encircling her own child, the one who has been chosen and placed there by a loving Father. And so I hope for these little ones what they cannot hope for themselves. Will you hope with me?
I kneel down and caress this sweet little one's head as she gazes at me and leans into my touch. She has a perfect rosebud mouth, beautiful round cheeks, and those big, dark eyes...
She should be happy, affectionate, expressive, and stubborn like other little children I know with that special extra chromosome. But instead, she is sad, weary, far too old and care-worn for her two years....
I stroke her little hand - so dry and warm to the touch. She slowly grips my finger and won't let go. My attempts to make her smile are met with those oh, so quiet, sad eyes looking into mine. I take her other hand and encourage her to walk to me. She takes slow, unsure little steps, and comes close. I place my forehead to hers, and she rests her weary little head on my stronger one.
I pull her into my lap and sing softly to her of the One who made her with such care and special purpose, and loves her, oh, so much. She promptly falls asleep in my arms, still clinging to my finger with a grip that tightens, even in sleep, if I try to remove it.
As I rock her, I ask for hope and joy to be seen in those eyes very soon.... This is all I can do, as I hand over to the One who cares the pieces of my broken heart that are mingled with those of this precious one.
Not even the best care can take the place of a mother's loving arms, forever encircling her own child, the one who has been chosen and placed there by a loving Father. And so I hope for these little ones what they cannot hope for themselves. Will you hope with me?
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Mama for a Day
He raised his arms up to me to be held, so I picked him up, and in my arms he stayed. He became my responsibility, and I became his security, his safe place. He wanted only me. If I strayed too far away, he cried and cried, with big tears rolling down his sweet cheeks. So I held him.
It was windy, and he didn't like it, so I pulled his hood up and played peek-a-boo, making him giggle and show his perfect little teeth. Every time there was a gust of wind, he wanted his hood back up, and spent half the day peeking out around it.
As we walked, he began to grow sleepy. He nestled in close and laid his head on my shoulder, snuggling deeper into my arms. He felt safe, secure. For one day, I'm Mama to him. I meet his needs, soothe his fears, play with him, walk with him, show him new things - give him love. Love that has been given to me, I have the privilege of passing on. For one day, I'm his, and he's mine. It's my hand he grabs, my face he looks for when others crowd in.
As I held him, I talked to my Father. My heart said, "Let this be me and you. Let me take only your hand, look only for your face, rely only on your security and comfort, be at peace only when I'm in your arms." And I thought about the little one I carried. Thought about how much he needs his mama. His forever mama. So he won't ever have to search for a face that belongs to him, a face that won't leave him, arms that won't ever let him go - because he'll always be in them. And where these human arms may fail, His arms will always be there, as they have been all along.
I am thankful for the bit of Father's love he passed through me today, what it did to my heart, and what it does for 'my' little boy.
It was windy, and he didn't like it, so I pulled his hood up and played peek-a-boo, making him giggle and show his perfect little teeth. Every time there was a gust of wind, he wanted his hood back up, and spent half the day peeking out around it.
As we walked, he began to grow sleepy. He nestled in close and laid his head on my shoulder, snuggling deeper into my arms. He felt safe, secure. For one day, I'm Mama to him. I meet his needs, soothe his fears, play with him, walk with him, show him new things - give him love. Love that has been given to me, I have the privilege of passing on. For one day, I'm his, and he's mine. It's my hand he grabs, my face he looks for when others crowd in.
As I held him, I talked to my Father. My heart said, "Let this be me and you. Let me take only your hand, look only for your face, rely only on your security and comfort, be at peace only when I'm in your arms." And I thought about the little one I carried. Thought about how much he needs his mama. His forever mama. So he won't ever have to search for a face that belongs to him, a face that won't leave him, arms that won't ever let him go - because he'll always be in them. And where these human arms may fail, His arms will always be there, as they have been all along.
I am thankful for the bit of Father's love he passed through me today, what it did to my heart, and what it does for 'my' little boy.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
My First Trip Into Beijing!
Friday, we all headed into Beijing! First, we went to the 798 art district, which I loved! It had so many interesting art exhibits, and shops, and pretty little restaurants and cafes, it's a lovely part of town.
One of my roommates taking a picture of a funny sign (half the fun of sightseeing out and about! :-)
Not sure what these things are, but there were several of them around. Rather interesting.
Plastered t-shirt, anyone?
A beautiful set of doors I fell in love with!
How much is that kitty in the window?
The neatest light fixtures!
Another neat door (can you tell I love doors?)
A red tree! I think it was wrapped in some kind of yarn or string.
Dinosaurs!
Would you like a cup of excellence? Or perhaps a cup of Ethiopia?
This building was so interesting! It was completely covered with PVC pipes.
And this one was covered in boards.
We watched this guy make some really yummy crepe-like things, it smelled SO good!
A really awkward cookie-cutter picture! They're NOT made for tall westerners, haha! I think the Chinese people snapping pictures also got quite a kick out of it. :-)
I have no idea what this tower thing is, but it looks pretty cool!
I don't know about you, but soaking in coffee doesn't really sound all that pleasant to me...
There are so many vine-covered buildings here - gorgeous! I love it!
This is where we ate lunch - Laker's Pizza. :-)
The menus were very picture-worthy. :-) I wasn't brave enough to try the 'Dances With Wolves' pizza...
Would you care for some flesh attached?
Their cheese pizza and garlic bread was quite good! Different than in the US, but very tasty and filling.
A little good clean fun! :-)
A pet chipmunk! I've always wanted one... So cute!
And his audience was pretty cute, too. :-)
One of my roommates taking a picture of a funny sign (half the fun of sightseeing out and about! :-)
Not sure what these things are, but there were several of them around. Rather interesting.
Plastered t-shirt, anyone?
A beautiful set of doors I fell in love with!
Fans!
More lovely doors!
The neatest light fixtures!
Another neat door (can you tell I love doors?)
A red tree! I think it was wrapped in some kind of yarn or string.
Dinosaurs!
Willow trees! :-D
This building was so interesting! It was completely covered with PVC pipes.
And this one was covered in boards.
We watched this guy make some really yummy crepe-like things, it smelled SO good!
A really awkward cookie-cutter picture! They're NOT made for tall westerners, haha! I think the Chinese people snapping pictures also got quite a kick out of it. :-)
I have no idea what this tower thing is, but it looks pretty cool!
I don't know about you, but soaking in coffee doesn't really sound all that pleasant to me...
There are so many vine-covered buildings here - gorgeous! I love it!
This is where we ate lunch - Laker's Pizza. :-)
The menus were very picture-worthy. :-) I wasn't brave enough to try the 'Dances With Wolves' pizza...
Would you care for some flesh attached?
Their cheese pizza and garlic bread was quite good! Different than in the US, but very tasty and filling.
A little good clean fun! :-)
A pet chipmunk! I've always wanted one... So cute!
And his audience was pretty cute, too. :-)
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Two Firsts
A beautiful morning in QYD!
This is the view from our dining room window here at the apartment. Pretty breathtaking, if you ask me. :-)
It's the Moon Festival here this week (today, in fact), so that means we get to enjoy a four-day weekend. They celebrated the festival early at the FH, so yesterday was a little party for the kiddos, and the nannies and volunteers joined in!
Mooncakes (and every other kind of round food) are a big part of the celebration. I had my first taste yesterday! I tend to think they look much better than they taste.... Perhaps it's an acquired taste. :-)
This is the view from our dining room window here at the apartment. Pretty breathtaking, if you ask me. :-)
It's the Moon Festival here this week (today, in fact), so that means we get to enjoy a four-day weekend. They celebrated the festival early at the FH, so yesterday was a little party for the kiddos, and the nannies and volunteers joined in!
Mooncakes (and every other kind of round food) are a big part of the celebration. I had my first taste yesterday! I tend to think they look much better than they taste.... Perhaps it's an acquired taste. :-)
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