There is not a single one of these children that I do not love, that I would not take home with me in a heartbeat if I could. But there are certain ones that capture your heart in a different way, a special connection. And he is one of those.
I have read many stories of children being adopted, and the majority of them, particularly those from overseas, go through a grieving process. It's something I never fully understood until now. Adoption is wonderful and amazing, and each of these precious children need a family who will take them in, love them, and make them their own. But being here in China with these children before they meet their families has given me a whole new perspective.
A child's life doesn't begin when they are placed in a family. They've already been living. They have experienced a life that has become familiar. They have a routine that they know, heard a language they understand, discovered likes and dislikes, formed attachments... This is the life they know, and as much as we might know that they need a family, and they will be the better for it, that is not something that's easily explained to a two-year-old.
I can hardly imagine what it would be like to suddenly be torn from everything known and safe, to be taken from your familiar routine, familiar food, familiar language, people you love, and never return. Even if you did fully understand that where you're going is better, it would still be extremely difficult. What would it be like if you didn't understand it at all?
I know how hard it is for me to let go of this little one, being one of the people he loves (and it's mutual, trust me), even when I know it's what's best for him. My heart breaks when I think of how hard it will be for him, not fully comprehending why he's so suddenly taken away, and handed over to people he's never met before. He will grieve.
I've heard it said that little children don't understand when someone leaves that they will come back, or even that they still exist. When you leave a baby at the babysitter's and they cry, it's because they think you've really left them for good. And they grieve for you as though you had died. I've seen this over and over.
'My' little guy is usually pretty happy-go-lucky, but on one particularly rough day, as I left the room at the end of my 'work' time, he turned around, saw I had gone, and immediately burst into tears. It reminded me of the first day I really got to know him, when he clung close to me for a whole day, and cried if I stepped away from him for a minute. I couldn't let him cry. I couldn't let him grieve before it was time. So I went back into the room, scooped him up, and held him close, whispering in his ear how much he was loved, that he wouldn't be left alone, that I would come back...
My hope for him is that his grief will be short-lived, that he will quickly learn to love his new family, and attach to them as readily and fully as he attached to me. And I hope for grace and blessing on these special people who can truly stay in his life forever, who will never leave him, and who will love and care for him always.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Her Eyes
Those luminous brown eyes lock onto mine as I walk into the room. They don't look at me out of fear or surprise - there's no emotion there at all, really. But those eyes capture me. The eyes in which there is no hope.
I kneel down and caress this sweet little one's head as she gazes at me and leans into my touch. She has a perfect rosebud mouth, beautiful round cheeks, and those big, dark eyes...
She should be happy, affectionate, expressive, and stubborn like other little children I know with that special extra chromosome. But instead, she is sad, weary, far too old and care-worn for her two years....
I stroke her little hand - so dry and warm to the touch. She slowly grips my finger and won't let go. My attempts to make her smile are met with those oh, so quiet, sad eyes looking into mine. I take her other hand and encourage her to walk to me. She takes slow, unsure little steps, and comes close. I place my forehead to hers, and she rests her weary little head on my stronger one.
I pull her into my lap and sing softly to her of the One who made her with such care and special purpose, and loves her, oh, so much. She promptly falls asleep in my arms, still clinging to my finger with a grip that tightens, even in sleep, if I try to remove it.
As I rock her, I ask for hope and joy to be seen in those eyes very soon.... This is all I can do, as I hand over to the One who cares the pieces of my broken heart that are mingled with those of this precious one.
Not even the best care can take the place of a mother's loving arms, forever encircling her own child, the one who has been chosen and placed there by a loving Father. And so I hope for these little ones what they cannot hope for themselves. Will you hope with me?
I kneel down and caress this sweet little one's head as she gazes at me and leans into my touch. She has a perfect rosebud mouth, beautiful round cheeks, and those big, dark eyes...
She should be happy, affectionate, expressive, and stubborn like other little children I know with that special extra chromosome. But instead, she is sad, weary, far too old and care-worn for her two years....
I stroke her little hand - so dry and warm to the touch. She slowly grips my finger and won't let go. My attempts to make her smile are met with those oh, so quiet, sad eyes looking into mine. I take her other hand and encourage her to walk to me. She takes slow, unsure little steps, and comes close. I place my forehead to hers, and she rests her weary little head on my stronger one.
I pull her into my lap and sing softly to her of the One who made her with such care and special purpose, and loves her, oh, so much. She promptly falls asleep in my arms, still clinging to my finger with a grip that tightens, even in sleep, if I try to remove it.
As I rock her, I ask for hope and joy to be seen in those eyes very soon.... This is all I can do, as I hand over to the One who cares the pieces of my broken heart that are mingled with those of this precious one.
Not even the best care can take the place of a mother's loving arms, forever encircling her own child, the one who has been chosen and placed there by a loving Father. And so I hope for these little ones what they cannot hope for themselves. Will you hope with me?
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Mama for a Day
He raised his arms up to me to be held, so I picked him up, and in my arms he stayed. He became my responsibility, and I became his security, his safe place. He wanted only me. If I strayed too far away, he cried and cried, with big tears rolling down his sweet cheeks. So I held him.
It was windy, and he didn't like it, so I pulled his hood up and played peek-a-boo, making him giggle and show his perfect little teeth. Every time there was a gust of wind, he wanted his hood back up, and spent half the day peeking out around it.
As we walked, he began to grow sleepy. He nestled in close and laid his head on my shoulder, snuggling deeper into my arms. He felt safe, secure. For one day, I'm Mama to him. I meet his needs, soothe his fears, play with him, walk with him, show him new things - give him love. Love that has been given to me, I have the privilege of passing on. For one day, I'm his, and he's mine. It's my hand he grabs, my face he looks for when others crowd in.
As I held him, I talked to my Father. My heart said, "Let this be me and you. Let me take only your hand, look only for your face, rely only on your security and comfort, be at peace only when I'm in your arms." And I thought about the little one I carried. Thought about how much he needs his mama. His forever mama. So he won't ever have to search for a face that belongs to him, a face that won't leave him, arms that won't ever let him go - because he'll always be in them. And where these human arms may fail, His arms will always be there, as they have been all along.
I am thankful for the bit of Father's love he passed through me today, what it did to my heart, and what it does for 'my' little boy.
It was windy, and he didn't like it, so I pulled his hood up and played peek-a-boo, making him giggle and show his perfect little teeth. Every time there was a gust of wind, he wanted his hood back up, and spent half the day peeking out around it.
As we walked, he began to grow sleepy. He nestled in close and laid his head on my shoulder, snuggling deeper into my arms. He felt safe, secure. For one day, I'm Mama to him. I meet his needs, soothe his fears, play with him, walk with him, show him new things - give him love. Love that has been given to me, I have the privilege of passing on. For one day, I'm his, and he's mine. It's my hand he grabs, my face he looks for when others crowd in.
As I held him, I talked to my Father. My heart said, "Let this be me and you. Let me take only your hand, look only for your face, rely only on your security and comfort, be at peace only when I'm in your arms." And I thought about the little one I carried. Thought about how much he needs his mama. His forever mama. So he won't ever have to search for a face that belongs to him, a face that won't leave him, arms that won't ever let him go - because he'll always be in them. And where these human arms may fail, His arms will always be there, as they have been all along.
I am thankful for the bit of Father's love he passed through me today, what it did to my heart, and what it does for 'my' little boy.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
My First Trip Into Beijing!
Friday, we all headed into Beijing! First, we went to the 798 art district, which I loved! It had so many interesting art exhibits, and shops, and pretty little restaurants and cafes, it's a lovely part of town.
One of my roommates taking a picture of a funny sign (half the fun of sightseeing out and about! :-)
Not sure what these things are, but there were several of them around. Rather interesting.
Plastered t-shirt, anyone?
A beautiful set of doors I fell in love with!
How much is that kitty in the window?
The neatest light fixtures!
Another neat door (can you tell I love doors?)
A red tree! I think it was wrapped in some kind of yarn or string.
Dinosaurs!
Would you like a cup of excellence? Or perhaps a cup of Ethiopia?
This building was so interesting! It was completely covered with PVC pipes.
And this one was covered in boards.
We watched this guy make some really yummy crepe-like things, it smelled SO good!
A really awkward cookie-cutter picture! They're NOT made for tall westerners, haha! I think the Chinese people snapping pictures also got quite a kick out of it. :-)
I have no idea what this tower thing is, but it looks pretty cool!
I don't know about you, but soaking in coffee doesn't really sound all that pleasant to me...
There are so many vine-covered buildings here - gorgeous! I love it!
This is where we ate lunch - Laker's Pizza. :-)
The menus were very picture-worthy. :-) I wasn't brave enough to try the 'Dances With Wolves' pizza...
Would you care for some flesh attached?
Their cheese pizza and garlic bread was quite good! Different than in the US, but very tasty and filling.
A little good clean fun! :-)
A pet chipmunk! I've always wanted one... So cute!
And his audience was pretty cute, too. :-)
One of my roommates taking a picture of a funny sign (half the fun of sightseeing out and about! :-)
Not sure what these things are, but there were several of them around. Rather interesting.
Plastered t-shirt, anyone?
A beautiful set of doors I fell in love with!
Fans!
More lovely doors!
The neatest light fixtures!
Another neat door (can you tell I love doors?)
A red tree! I think it was wrapped in some kind of yarn or string.
Dinosaurs!
Willow trees! :-D
This building was so interesting! It was completely covered with PVC pipes.
And this one was covered in boards.
We watched this guy make some really yummy crepe-like things, it smelled SO good!
A really awkward cookie-cutter picture! They're NOT made for tall westerners, haha! I think the Chinese people snapping pictures also got quite a kick out of it. :-)
I have no idea what this tower thing is, but it looks pretty cool!
I don't know about you, but soaking in coffee doesn't really sound all that pleasant to me...
There are so many vine-covered buildings here - gorgeous! I love it!
This is where we ate lunch - Laker's Pizza. :-)
The menus were very picture-worthy. :-) I wasn't brave enough to try the 'Dances With Wolves' pizza...
Would you care for some flesh attached?
Their cheese pizza and garlic bread was quite good! Different than in the US, but very tasty and filling.
A little good clean fun! :-)
A pet chipmunk! I've always wanted one... So cute!
And his audience was pretty cute, too. :-)
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Two Firsts
A beautiful morning in QYD!
This is the view from our dining room window here at the apartment. Pretty breathtaking, if you ask me. :-)
It's the Moon Festival here this week (today, in fact), so that means we get to enjoy a four-day weekend. They celebrated the festival early at the FH, so yesterday was a little party for the kiddos, and the nannies and volunteers joined in!
Mooncakes (and every other kind of round food) are a big part of the celebration. I had my first taste yesterday! I tend to think they look much better than they taste.... Perhaps it's an acquired taste. :-)
This is the view from our dining room window here at the apartment. Pretty breathtaking, if you ask me. :-)
It's the Moon Festival here this week (today, in fact), so that means we get to enjoy a four-day weekend. They celebrated the festival early at the FH, so yesterday was a little party for the kiddos, and the nannies and volunteers joined in!
Mooncakes (and every other kind of round food) are a big part of the celebration. I had my first taste yesterday! I tend to think they look much better than they taste.... Perhaps it's an acquired taste. :-)
Thursday, August 1, 2013
A New Journey Begins
Many of you have been asking me about my upcoming trip to China - how you can support me, what I’ll be doing there, and why in the world I suddenly decided to leave the country for 7 months! :-)
So here’s the story.
It’s not really sudden at all, but more of a slow burning passion that has been in my heart since I was a child. And now, at 27, the Lord has finally told me it’s time to go.
Growing up, I always loved reading the stories of Amy Carmichael and Gladys Aylward, and imagined my grown-up self rescuing little girls in Asia from mistreatment or abandonment, and being their family, loving them, teaching them how special they are to their Creator God…being His instrument to bring them hope and safety.
I knew from a very young age that I wanted to adopt children (a whole bunch!!!) when I grew up and got married (and if I didn’t get married, I was moving to India, like Amy Carmichael, and starting a girls’ home! :-) ). But it wasn’t until I was eleven that I realized you could actually adopt from other countries. That happened when a family we were acquainted with brought a daughter home from China, and we got to go meet them at the airport.
I knew right then that I desperately wanted to adopt from China, and that desire never waned.
Fast-forward sixteen years. My situation is quite different than I imagined when I was a kid. :-) And I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Where the Lord puts me is much better than where I would place myself (it doesn’t feel that way sometimes, but it’s true!). He hasn’t placed me in a position to be able to adopt (yet), and that was a big struggle for me for a long time.
But then, once I began to get my own ideas out of my head and really look to see what His desire for me was, I began to realize that perhaps instead of bringing children home right now, He was asking me to go to them.
What? Me? Shy, introverted little me? Go somewhere I've never been, to live with people I’ve never met, surrounded by a language and culture I don’t understand, hundreds of miles away from my family, friends, and everything familiar? Yikes. Waaay outside of my comfort zone. I mean, I can’t even see my comfort zone from there… That kind of thing is for someone who’s brave, and outgoing and not…not…me…. Aren’t You asking the wrong person here?
That’s not even the most intimidating thing. For years, I had resisted the idea of short-term missions. I had gone on four separate missions trips around the US when I was in high school, and while it was a good experience, it ripped my heart out leaving those kids behind every time.
I couldn’t imagine doing that to an orphan. Go love on them for a couple of weeks and then leave? Abandon them? Again? They’ve already been abandoned, what am I saying about love by leaving them all over again? No, I most definitely don’t want to have anything to do with that. I’m bringing them home or nothing.
Not to mention what it would do to my heart to leave them behind! No way!
But then, the Lord started working in my heart. I have to do it His way. Wouldn’t love, for however long I can give it, be better than no love at all? Wouldn’t it be better to pour into their little love-starved hearts all the compassion the Lord has given me, even for a little while, than to withhold it altogether?
How selfish would it be to keep my heart safe, unbroken, and well-protected, when their little hearts have been utterly crushed?
How can I say ‘no’ to the God who’s own heart was broken and crushed for me? To the One who rescued me out of the mire and adopted me into His precious family at great cost to Himself? I can’t.
So, I timidly began looking into different orphanages and foster homes in China. I contacted one that sounded nice and needed a volunteer right away….no reply. Hm. Oh, well.
As I searched around, I discovered that opportunities for someone like me were very limited. I just wanted to hold babies! But so many places I looked into only wanted nurses, doctors, teachers, office workers, groups…anyone but me, it seemed!
But God knew better. :-) He had the right place all picked out ages ago.
I stumbled across a blog.…oh, those sweet faces! I started looking into NDFH, and discovered how much they love and care for their kids - needy orphans taken from surrounding orphanages. They provide surgeries, therapy, medical care…and love, for each of these sweet babies.
Do they take volunteers?? Yes! And they take anyone who’s willing, and will take them for however long they’re able to stay, be it a week or a year! :-D They are very flexible and willing to work with individual giftings and desires to serve in different areas. (Like holding babies…)
So after some prayer and discussion with my family, I decided to apply. Might as well, right? I wasn’t absolutely sure I should go at first, but as I went through the application and interview process, and continued thinking, praying and, of course, following NDFH’s blog, over the past year I became positive beyond a doubt that this is what I’m supposed to do right now.
And I made it through! ND accepted my application and asked me to come serve with them in China! Just a minor little confirmation there… :-)
So, I am going. I will be leaving for Beijing in September and staying through the winter, until April or May or… We’ll see. I’ll come home when He shows me it’s time.
As a long-term volunteer, I’ll be helping the nannies with the babies (yay!), helping in the pre-school, and anything else they may need me to do.
Words can’t describe how excited I am! I can hardly believe I’m actually going. Sometimes it hits me how real it is, and other times I feel like I’m going to wake up from the dream any moment.
Many of you have asked if you can support me financially, and the answer is yes. :-) I am responsible for all my own living and travel expenses while I’m over there, so that there’s no undue burden placed on ND.
I have chosen not to try to raise support or ask anyone for money, but want to trust the Lord to provide for what He has called me to do. So I’ve been saving toward the trip, and waiting on Him. And one way He is choosing to provide is through gracious people wanting to help.
So if your desire is to help out in that way, you can give directly to me in person (I’m not being sent through a mission agency or anything like that), or donate through Paypal while I’m over there - I’m planning to place a 'donate’ button on my blog, so be on the lookout for that.
Most of all, though, I greatly appreciate your prayers and encouragement in this new phase of my life. You are all very special, and I’m so thankful for you!
So here’s the story.
It’s not really sudden at all, but more of a slow burning passion that has been in my heart since I was a child. And now, at 27, the Lord has finally told me it’s time to go.
Growing up, I always loved reading the stories of Amy Carmichael and Gladys Aylward, and imagined my grown-up self rescuing little girls in Asia from mistreatment or abandonment, and being their family, loving them, teaching them how special they are to their Creator God…being His instrument to bring them hope and safety.
I knew from a very young age that I wanted to adopt children (a whole bunch!!!) when I grew up and got married (and if I didn’t get married, I was moving to India, like Amy Carmichael, and starting a girls’ home! :-) ). But it wasn’t until I was eleven that I realized you could actually adopt from other countries. That happened when a family we were acquainted with brought a daughter home from China, and we got to go meet them at the airport.
I knew right then that I desperately wanted to adopt from China, and that desire never waned.
Fast-forward sixteen years. My situation is quite different than I imagined when I was a kid. :-) And I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Where the Lord puts me is much better than where I would place myself (it doesn’t feel that way sometimes, but it’s true!). He hasn’t placed me in a position to be able to adopt (yet), and that was a big struggle for me for a long time.
But then, once I began to get my own ideas out of my head and really look to see what His desire for me was, I began to realize that perhaps instead of bringing children home right now, He was asking me to go to them.
What? Me? Shy, introverted little me? Go somewhere I've never been, to live with people I’ve never met, surrounded by a language and culture I don’t understand, hundreds of miles away from my family, friends, and everything familiar? Yikes. Waaay outside of my comfort zone. I mean, I can’t even see my comfort zone from there… That kind of thing is for someone who’s brave, and outgoing and not…not…me…. Aren’t You asking the wrong person here?
That’s not even the most intimidating thing. For years, I had resisted the idea of short-term missions. I had gone on four separate missions trips around the US when I was in high school, and while it was a good experience, it ripped my heart out leaving those kids behind every time.
I couldn’t imagine doing that to an orphan. Go love on them for a couple of weeks and then leave? Abandon them? Again? They’ve already been abandoned, what am I saying about love by leaving them all over again? No, I most definitely don’t want to have anything to do with that. I’m bringing them home or nothing.
Not to mention what it would do to my heart to leave them behind! No way!
But then, the Lord started working in my heart. I have to do it His way. Wouldn’t love, for however long I can give it, be better than no love at all? Wouldn’t it be better to pour into their little love-starved hearts all the compassion the Lord has given me, even for a little while, than to withhold it altogether?
How selfish would it be to keep my heart safe, unbroken, and well-protected, when their little hearts have been utterly crushed?
How can I say ‘no’ to the God who’s own heart was broken and crushed for me? To the One who rescued me out of the mire and adopted me into His precious family at great cost to Himself? I can’t.
So, I timidly began looking into different orphanages and foster homes in China. I contacted one that sounded nice and needed a volunteer right away….no reply. Hm. Oh, well.
As I searched around, I discovered that opportunities for someone like me were very limited. I just wanted to hold babies! But so many places I looked into only wanted nurses, doctors, teachers, office workers, groups…anyone but me, it seemed!
But God knew better. :-) He had the right place all picked out ages ago.
I stumbled across a blog.…oh, those sweet faces! I started looking into NDFH, and discovered how much they love and care for their kids - needy orphans taken from surrounding orphanages. They provide surgeries, therapy, medical care…and love, for each of these sweet babies.
Do they take volunteers?? Yes! And they take anyone who’s willing, and will take them for however long they’re able to stay, be it a week or a year! :-D They are very flexible and willing to work with individual giftings and desires to serve in different areas. (Like holding babies…)
So after some prayer and discussion with my family, I decided to apply. Might as well, right? I wasn’t absolutely sure I should go at first, but as I went through the application and interview process, and continued thinking, praying and, of course, following NDFH’s blog, over the past year I became positive beyond a doubt that this is what I’m supposed to do right now.
And I made it through! ND accepted my application and asked me to come serve with them in China! Just a minor little confirmation there… :-)
So, I am going. I will be leaving for Beijing in September and staying through the winter, until April or May or… We’ll see. I’ll come home when He shows me it’s time.
As a long-term volunteer, I’ll be helping the nannies with the babies (yay!), helping in the pre-school, and anything else they may need me to do.
Words can’t describe how excited I am! I can hardly believe I’m actually going. Sometimes it hits me how real it is, and other times I feel like I’m going to wake up from the dream any moment.
Many of you have asked if you can support me financially, and the answer is yes. :-) I am responsible for all my own living and travel expenses while I’m over there, so that there’s no undue burden placed on ND.
I have chosen not to try to raise support or ask anyone for money, but want to trust the Lord to provide for what He has called me to do. So I’ve been saving toward the trip, and waiting on Him. And one way He is choosing to provide is through gracious people wanting to help.
So if your desire is to help out in that way, you can give directly to me in person (I’m not being sent through a mission agency or anything like that), or donate through Paypal while I’m over there - I’m planning to place a 'donate’ button on my blog, so be on the lookout for that.
Most of all, though, I greatly appreciate your prayers and encouragement in this new phase of my life. You are all very special, and I’m so thankful for you!
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Pictures Worth a Thousand Words
Words fail me to thank God enough for this little miracle. No, this HUGE miracle in a little bundle. I'm selfishly thankful that He chose to answer our prayers with a 'yes, I will save her life'. There's not much more I can say, our God is awesome, and Abbie Rose is living, breathing, and beautiful.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Rays of Hope
Sweet baby has had a good day! She has been fully awake and wanting to be active, though she needs to be restful for a little while longer, to keep all her tubes and wires in place. Hold on, Baby! :-)
The doctors are sounding positive, and are aiming for Monday to try removing her breathing tube. Pray the swelling in her little throat goes down in order for them to be able to do that! She so much wants to be held and her family's arms are aching to hold her close!
Praise the Lord for all He has done and is doing!
The doctors are sounding positive, and are aiming for Monday to try removing her breathing tube. Pray the swelling in her little throat goes down in order for them to be able to do that! She so much wants to be held and her family's arms are aching to hold her close!
Praise the Lord for all He has done and is doing!
Friday, March 29, 2013
More Praise for The Lord!
Baby has been awake and tracking so much today! You can definitely tell she knows people are here.
FB Prayer Page
If you have Facebook, you can join this page to get updates on Baby!
https://www.facebook.com/#!/PrayingForAbbie
Please spread the word! God can do anything.
https://www.facebook.com/#!/PrayingForAbbie
Please spread the word! God can do anything.
Hope!
Baby has gone 24 hours with no seizures! Her eyes have been opening, and she's doing better than yesterday. Keep on praying!
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Resurrection Power
Please be in prayer for my dear friend's foster baby. This precious little 10-month-old was taken to the ICU late Saturday night with a high fever and seizures. There are no answers as to the cause, or how to help her. She desperately needs prayer!
We're praying our Jesus who conquered death will bring miraculous healing this Easter!
Here's my friend's blog post on this sweet baby - http://bythisiknowlove.blogspot.com/2013/03/pray-for-miracle.html
Please pray for my friend's family as well, this is very difficult thing to go through!
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Illegal Truth
Back in 2010, some friends and I made this short film for the San Antonio Independent Christian Film Festival. We felt very strongly that this film contained a message the Lord wanted us to share with as many people as possible, and after much prayer, blood, sweat, and tears (no exaggeration folks!) we completed the project and were blessed to have it shown in San Antonio.
Now, after more prayer and more work, it's free for all to see on YouTube! Please enjoy and consider. :-) I pray you won't be distracted by our meager efforts, but allow the Lord to speak to your heart through it.
Now, after more prayer and more work, it's free for all to see on YouTube! Please enjoy and consider. :-) I pray you won't be distracted by our meager efforts, but allow the Lord to speak to your heart through it.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
He Places the Fatherless in Families
I was catching up on one of my favorite blogs tonight, and came across this post. Another young orphan out there is in need of your prayer! Will you join me in praying that a loving family will step up for Chad?
He will turn 16 in eight months, at which point he'll age out of the system and become unadoptable. :-( A complete post about him can be found here: http://1blessing2another.blogspot.com/2012/08/chad.html
He will turn 16 in eight months, at which point he'll age out of the system and become unadoptable. :-( A complete post about him can be found here: http://1blessing2another.blogspot.com/2012/08/chad.html
Monday, August 20, 2012
The Eloquence of Faithfulness
I've been devoting some time lately to the study and contemplation on the reasons for the American Civil War. While that could be a fascinating discussion, what I want to share is something else that I came across while watching a documentary on the subject.
It's a letter written by a soldier to his wife before entering a battle, from which he had no assurance of return. What struck me most about this letter is how much he loved her, his steadfast spirit, and his trust that God's will would be done.
I wish we still communicated this way. It is something beautiful. Something so much more meaningful, more thoughtful, more careful than our words often are now... There is something wonderful about a real, handwritten letter.
Sullivan Ballou was killed a week later in the first Battle of Bull Run. His wife of nearly six years, never married again. She lived to be 80 years old, and was buried next to Sullivan when she died in 1917.
I wonder, has our character changed? Is that why we don't communicate like this? Is that why so few love like this? I know brokenness and sin have existed since the fall, and there is nothing new under the sun. But I wonder...have we become too caught up in the unimportant? Too rushed? Too absorbed in things that aren't lasting? Are we in a hurry, but not really getting anywhere worth going?
I'm speaking to myself when I say that I think perhaps we need to slow down...learn to savor the people God has placed in our way. Get outside of our little self-absorbed worlds, open our hearts, and love. Love people. Those souls we come in contact with every day are what will last in this world, that's where our investment should be.
Maybe we should take time today to write a letter....
It's a letter written by a soldier to his wife before entering a battle, from which he had no assurance of return. What struck me most about this letter is how much he loved her, his steadfast spirit, and his trust that God's will would be done.
I wish we still communicated this way. It is something beautiful. Something so much more meaningful, more thoughtful, more careful than our words often are now... There is something wonderful about a real, handwritten letter.
July the 14th, 1861
Washington DC
My very dear Sarah,
The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days - perhaps tomorrow. Lest I should not be able to write you again, I feel impelled to write lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more.
Our movement may be one of a few days duration and full of pleasure - and it may be one of severe conflict and death to me. Not my will, but thine O God, be done. If it is necessary that I should fall on the battlefield for my country, I am ready. I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in, the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how strongly American Civilization now leans upon the triumph of the Government, and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and suffering of the Revolution. And I am willing - perfectly willing - to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this Government, and to pay that debt.
But, my dear wife, when I know that with my own joys I lay down nearly all of yours, and replace them in this life with cares and sorrows - when, after having eaten for long years the bitter fruit of orphanage myself, I must offer it as their only sustenance to my dear little children - is it weak or dishonorable, while the banner of my purpose floats calmly and proudly in the breeze, that my unbounded love for you, my darling wife and children, should struggle in fierce, though useless, contest with my love of country?
I cannot describe to you my feelings on this calm summer night, when two thousand men are sleeping around me, many of them enjoying the last, perhaps, before that of death -- and I, suspicious that Death is creeping behind me with his fatal dart, am communing with God, my country, and thee.
I have sought most closely and diligently, and often in my breast, for a wrong motive in thus hazarding the happiness of those I loved and I could not find one. A pure love of my country and of the principles have often advocated before the people and "the name of honor that I love more than I fear death" have called upon me, and I have obeyed.
Sarah, my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me to you with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me irresistibly on with all these chains to the battlefield.
The memories of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God and to you that I have enjoyed them so long. And hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes of future years, when God willing, we might still have lived and loved together and seen our sons grow up to honorable manhood around us. I have, I know, but few and small claims upon Divine Providence, but something whispers to me - perhaps it is the wafted prayer of my little Edgar -- that I shall return to my loved ones unharmed. If I do not, my dear Sarah, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me on the battlefield, it will whisper your name.
Forgive my many faults, and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have oftentimes been! How gladly would I wash out with my tears every little spot upon your happiness, and struggle with all the misfortune of this world, to shield you and my children from harm. But I cannot. I must watch you from the spirit land and hover near you, while you buffet the storms with your precious little freight, and wait with sad patience till we meet to part no more.
But, O Sarah! If the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you; in the garish day and in the darkest night -- amidst your happiest scenes and gloomiest hours - always, always; and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath; or the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by.
Sarah, do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for thee, for we shall meet again.
As for my little boys, they will grow as I have done, and never know a father's love and care. Little Willie is too young to remember me long, and my blue eyed Edgar will keep my frolics with him among the dimmest memories of his childhood. Sarah, I have unlimited confidence in your maternal care and your development of their characters. Tell my two mothers his and hers I call God's blessing upon them. O Sarah, I wait for you there! Come to me, and lead thither my children.
Sullivan
Sullivan Ballou was killed a week later in the first Battle of Bull Run. His wife of nearly six years, never married again. She lived to be 80 years old, and was buried next to Sullivan when she died in 1917.
I wonder, has our character changed? Is that why we don't communicate like this? Is that why so few love like this? I know brokenness and sin have existed since the fall, and there is nothing new under the sun. But I wonder...have we become too caught up in the unimportant? Too rushed? Too absorbed in things that aren't lasting? Are we in a hurry, but not really getting anywhere worth going?
I'm speaking to myself when I say that I think perhaps we need to slow down...learn to savor the people God has placed in our way. Get outside of our little self-absorbed worlds, open our hearts, and love. Love people. Those souls we come in contact with every day are what will last in this world, that's where our investment should be.
Maybe we should take time today to write a letter....
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
He Will Give You the Desires of Your Heart
All things work together for good to them that love God.
He is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think.
This week I found myself having to choose. Choose between what I want, and what God wants. Between taking things into my own hands and leaving them in His. Oh, that's hard sometimes! Who am I kidding....it's hard all the time!
I like to have a plan for everything, all laid out nice and neat. I like to have something definite to do. I like to know exactly what to do, when to do it, how to do it, and why I'm doing it. I like knowing what to expect. I like knowing exactly what will happen, when, and how. It feels safe, secure, comfortable. I don't like not knowing. Which is really quite a challenge, since life is full of not knowing!
As the Lord continually nudges me outside of my little comfort bubble, I can look back and see how far He has brought me in this area - yippee, I'm more flexible and relaxed than I used to be!!! :-D And then I look forward at how far I have left to go - yeah, about that...could we just hit fast-forward, pretty please?
Whenever I reach a place of assurance or conviction, I can be pretty certain that it will be tested. Sometimes I'm ready, and sometimes, I forget to steel myself...
A desire I think has been mastered sneaks up and takes me by surprise. In a battle, the element of surprise is everything. I'm walking along one day, minding my own business, when whammo! It hits me, and sends me reeling. Some attacks take longer to recover from than others, and many are a day to day, conscious and continual giving over of my desires, my plans, my dreams, to the One who gave them in the first place.
Surrender. It sounds easy. It sounds like giving up. Waving the white flag and saying, 'I'm done, I give up, it's over.' But shockingly, holding one's hand open, letting everything that comprises my life rest lightly on my open palm to either continue resting there, or be blown away by the winds of God's will, takes an incredible amount of work and will-power. It goes against everything in me! I want to hold on for dear life! I don't like feeling out of control! I don't like the free-fall of letting go and trusting that something I can't see will safely catch me!
But I think that's part of the point. When I hang on, when I take control, and try to force things to go my way, I end up in a lonely, miserable place. Because anything that is not done in God's way is unsatisfying.
I constantly have to remind myself that if I knew everything that God knows, I would choose what He chooses for me. Sometimes, He takes away something good because he wants to give me something better.
Many of my desires are for good things. But should I be aiming for something good? Or, in surrender, allowing God to bring me His best in His time, and in His own way? I think the answer is obvious.
I was mulling these things over today and realized that every desire that arises in me, is an opportunity to give it back to the Lord. It is the opportunity to recognize Christ's Sovereign control over my life, and praise Him for it.
At that moment I let go, it is then that I realize all my fear was for nothing, because this, this is freedom. This surrender, this loss of control, this is where joy and peace and rest are found. In the bliss of knowing all rests in His capable hands, and He never, ever fails.
Foiled plans, disappointed desires, hopes with no result in sight... These are the Lord's proving grounds. Do I love Him, or do I not? How much am I willing to give up? How much am I willing to let Him handle, instead of trying to orchestrate things myself? Is what I think I want more to me than everything that Christ is and desires for me?
Oh, Heaven, help me. Psalm 37:4-5 says:
"Delight yourself also in the LORD; and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust also in Him; and He will bring it to pass."
And it will be worth every moment of struggle.
The journey really is amazing. It really is worth savoring each moment, praising Jesus for them, and for what He is accomplishing through them.
Lord, help me to let go, and let You.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
One Less Orphan
Do you remember reading about Jonathan, an orphan in Ukraine who was just about to age out of the system and become 'unadoptable'? I blogged about him here and here.
Well, the fun and incredibly awesome thing is that he's home with his very own family now!!!! :-D Praise the Lord, there is one less orphan in the world and one more child who has made it home!
You can follow his journey on his family's (yay!) blog here: http://1blessing2another.blogspot.com/
Well, the fun and incredibly awesome thing is that he's home with his very own family now!!!! :-D Praise the Lord, there is one less orphan in the world and one more child who has made it home!
You can follow his journey on his family's (yay!) blog here: http://1blessing2another.blogspot.com/
Friday, June 15, 2012
Beauty
I'm reading a book right now called 'The Lost Art of True Beauty' written by Leslie Ludy. I've only reached the second chapter, but a quote a few pages in captured my attention. It reads:
'They say there is a young lady in New Haven who is beloved of that Great Being who made and rules the world. They say that He fills her mind with exceeding sweet delight, and that she hardly cares for anything except to meditate on Him.
'They say there is a young lady in New Haven who is beloved of that Great Being who made and rules the world. They say that He fills her mind with exceeding sweet delight, and that she hardly cares for anything except to meditate on Him.
If you present all the world to her, with the riches of its treasures, she disregards it. She is unmindful of any pain or affliction. She has a singular purity in her affections.
You could not persuade her to compromise her true Love even if you would give her all the world. She possesses a wonderful sweetness, calmness, and kindness to those around her. She will sometimes go about from place to place, singing sweetly.
She seems to be always full of joy and pleasure, and no one knows exactly why. She loves to be alone, walking in the fields and groves, and seems to have Someone invisible always conversing with her.'
~ Written about Sarah Edwards, by her future husband, Jonathan Edwards.
Oh, let us aspire to this, fellow sisters in Christ! To be completely and utterly His...to live always in sweet fellowship with Him, so that everything we do is the outpouring of our love for Him, the window through which the world sees who our Jesus truly is.
~ Written about Sarah Edwards, by her future husband, Jonathan Edwards.
Oh, let us aspire to this, fellow sisters in Christ! To be completely and utterly His...to live always in sweet fellowship with Him, so that everything we do is the outpouring of our love for Him, the window through which the world sees who our Jesus truly is.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
A Bittersweet Farewell... Or Is It?
Well, it has come to an end, as all things in this world must. Oh, how I do love the little tastes of Heaven we're given even here! And I'm so thankful that God brings us through seasons - so thankful we never stay in one place, that no matter how difficult things may be, they don't last forever. Jesus faithfully brings us through them and into another season, closer to His side than before, and with a greater understanding of who He is. And that is so worth any possible pain I could go through...
I love the restful periods of refreshment, the times where I feel He is just saying, "My dear child, I love you. Know it. Bask in it. Be joyful. Delight in Me." That's where I am at the moment, and I'm thoroughly enjoying every minute of it. :-)
Being involved in this show ('The Importance of Being Earnest', in case you missed my previous posts here and here.) has been a wonderful combination of emotional rest and productive work. I had rather forgotten how marvelous it is to make people laugh! :-)
I love the restful periods of refreshment, the times where I feel He is just saying, "My dear child, I love you. Know it. Bask in it. Be joyful. Delight in Me." That's where I am at the moment, and I'm thoroughly enjoying every minute of it. :-)
Being involved in this show ('The Importance of Being Earnest', in case you missed my previous posts here and here.) has been a wonderful combination of emotional rest and productive work. I had rather forgotten how marvelous it is to make people laugh! :-)
'A merry heart doeth good like a medicine...' Proverbs 17:22
This reminder has spilled over into other areas of my life, too, and that has been a blessing. Cheerfulness is something that I'm called to no matter where I am, but certain times of life make it much easier... :-)
At any rate, I have really relished the opportunity to love people. It's challenging at times, and very easy at others. It was so difficult to say good-bye yesterday... I knew it would be, the end of a show is always hard for me, but this one hit me in ways I didn't expect. It got me thinking that whenever you love, you give of yourself. And when you do that, it opens you up to that bittersweet pain of being connected to people. Knowing that when you love people, you will be hurt at some point, does that mean we shouldn't love anyway?
Jesus loved, and look where it led Him! And He never, ever regretted it... Loving is always worth it, regardless.
Jesus loved, and look where it led Him! And He never, ever regretted it... Loving is always worth it, regardless.
'A friend loveth at all times...' Proverbs 17:17
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
The Happy Months Fly By...
Well, we're on the last week of performances for 'The Importance of Being Earnest'! I can't believe these four weeks have gone by so quickly! It's been a wonderful journey to make with a wonderful cast and crew of people, I'm sure going to miss it all.
You spend six weeks rehearsing and then a month performing, it becomes a welcome part of one's life - the people become part of your life. Like family, you didn't choose them, but you love them anyway. :-) People. You love them because they're there. If they're there, God has placed them there, placed them in your way, in your life for a reason. And so you love. Because He loves.
You spend six weeks rehearsing and then a month performing, it becomes a welcome part of one's life - the people become part of your life. Like family, you didn't choose them, but you love them anyway. :-) People. You love them because they're there. If they're there, God has placed them there, placed them in your way, in your life for a reason. And so you love. Because He loves.
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