There is not a single one of these children that I do not love, that I would not take home with me in a heartbeat if I could. But there are certain ones that capture your heart in a different way, a special connection. And he is one of those.
I have read many stories of children being adopted, and the majority of them, particularly those from overseas, go through a grieving process. It's something I never fully understood until now. Adoption is wonderful and amazing, and each of these precious children need a family who will take them in, love them, and make them their own. But being here in China with these children before they meet their families has given me a whole new perspective.
A child's life doesn't begin when they are placed in a family. They've already been living. They have experienced a life that has become familiar. They have a routine that they know, heard a language they understand, discovered likes and dislikes, formed attachments... This is the life they know, and as much as we might know that they need a family, and they will be the better for it, that is not something that's easily explained to a two-year-old.
I can hardly imagine what it would be like to suddenly be torn from everything known and safe, to be taken from your familiar routine, familiar food, familiar language, people you love, and never return. Even if you did fully understand that where you're going is better, it would still be extremely difficult. What would it be like if you didn't understand it at all?
I know how hard it is for me to let go of this little one, being one of the people he loves (and it's mutual, trust me), even when I know it's what's best for him. My heart breaks when I think of how hard it will be for him, not fully comprehending why he's so suddenly taken away, and handed over to people he's never met before. He will grieve.
I've heard it said that little children don't understand when someone leaves that they will come back, or even that they still exist. When you leave a baby at the babysitter's and they cry, it's because they think you've really left them for good. And they grieve for you as though you had died. I've seen this over and over.
'My' little guy is usually pretty happy-go-lucky, but on one particularly rough day, as I left the room at the end of my 'work' time, he turned around, saw I had gone, and immediately burst into tears. It reminded me of the first day I really got to know him, when he clung close to me for a whole day, and cried if I stepped away from him for a minute. I couldn't let him cry. I couldn't let him grieve before it was time. So I went back into the room, scooped him up, and held him close, whispering in his ear how much he was loved, that he wouldn't be left alone, that I would come back...
My hope for him is that his grief will be short-lived, that he will quickly learn to love his new family, and attach to them as readily and fully as he attached to me. And I hope for grace and blessing on these special people who can truly stay in his life forever, who will never leave him, and who will love and care for him always.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Her Eyes
Those luminous brown eyes lock onto mine as I walk into the room. They don't look at me out of fear or surprise - there's no emotion there at all, really. But those eyes capture me. The eyes in which there is no hope.
I kneel down and caress this sweet little one's head as she gazes at me and leans into my touch. She has a perfect rosebud mouth, beautiful round cheeks, and those big, dark eyes...
She should be happy, affectionate, expressive, and stubborn like other little children I know with that special extra chromosome. But instead, she is sad, weary, far too old and care-worn for her two years....
I stroke her little hand - so dry and warm to the touch. She slowly grips my finger and won't let go. My attempts to make her smile are met with those oh, so quiet, sad eyes looking into mine. I take her other hand and encourage her to walk to me. She takes slow, unsure little steps, and comes close. I place my forehead to hers, and she rests her weary little head on my stronger one.
I pull her into my lap and sing softly to her of the One who made her with such care and special purpose, and loves her, oh, so much. She promptly falls asleep in my arms, still clinging to my finger with a grip that tightens, even in sleep, if I try to remove it.
As I rock her, I ask for hope and joy to be seen in those eyes very soon.... This is all I can do, as I hand over to the One who cares the pieces of my broken heart that are mingled with those of this precious one.
Not even the best care can take the place of a mother's loving arms, forever encircling her own child, the one who has been chosen and placed there by a loving Father. And so I hope for these little ones what they cannot hope for themselves. Will you hope with me?
I kneel down and caress this sweet little one's head as she gazes at me and leans into my touch. She has a perfect rosebud mouth, beautiful round cheeks, and those big, dark eyes...
She should be happy, affectionate, expressive, and stubborn like other little children I know with that special extra chromosome. But instead, she is sad, weary, far too old and care-worn for her two years....
I stroke her little hand - so dry and warm to the touch. She slowly grips my finger and won't let go. My attempts to make her smile are met with those oh, so quiet, sad eyes looking into mine. I take her other hand and encourage her to walk to me. She takes slow, unsure little steps, and comes close. I place my forehead to hers, and she rests her weary little head on my stronger one.
I pull her into my lap and sing softly to her of the One who made her with such care and special purpose, and loves her, oh, so much. She promptly falls asleep in my arms, still clinging to my finger with a grip that tightens, even in sleep, if I try to remove it.
As I rock her, I ask for hope and joy to be seen in those eyes very soon.... This is all I can do, as I hand over to the One who cares the pieces of my broken heart that are mingled with those of this precious one.
Not even the best care can take the place of a mother's loving arms, forever encircling her own child, the one who has been chosen and placed there by a loving Father. And so I hope for these little ones what they cannot hope for themselves. Will you hope with me?
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Mama for a Day
He raised his arms up to me to be held, so I picked him up, and in my arms he stayed. He became my responsibility, and I became his security, his safe place. He wanted only me. If I strayed too far away, he cried and cried, with big tears rolling down his sweet cheeks. So I held him.
It was windy, and he didn't like it, so I pulled his hood up and played peek-a-boo, making him giggle and show his perfect little teeth. Every time there was a gust of wind, he wanted his hood back up, and spent half the day peeking out around it.
As we walked, he began to grow sleepy. He nestled in close and laid his head on my shoulder, snuggling deeper into my arms. He felt safe, secure. For one day, I'm Mama to him. I meet his needs, soothe his fears, play with him, walk with him, show him new things - give him love. Love that has been given to me, I have the privilege of passing on. For one day, I'm his, and he's mine. It's my hand he grabs, my face he looks for when others crowd in.
As I held him, I talked to my Father. My heart said, "Let this be me and you. Let me take only your hand, look only for your face, rely only on your security and comfort, be at peace only when I'm in your arms." And I thought about the little one I carried. Thought about how much he needs his mama. His forever mama. So he won't ever have to search for a face that belongs to him, a face that won't leave him, arms that won't ever let him go - because he'll always be in them. And where these human arms may fail, His arms will always be there, as they have been all along.
I am thankful for the bit of Father's love he passed through me today, what it did to my heart, and what it does for 'my' little boy.
It was windy, and he didn't like it, so I pulled his hood up and played peek-a-boo, making him giggle and show his perfect little teeth. Every time there was a gust of wind, he wanted his hood back up, and spent half the day peeking out around it.
As we walked, he began to grow sleepy. He nestled in close and laid his head on my shoulder, snuggling deeper into my arms. He felt safe, secure. For one day, I'm Mama to him. I meet his needs, soothe his fears, play with him, walk with him, show him new things - give him love. Love that has been given to me, I have the privilege of passing on. For one day, I'm his, and he's mine. It's my hand he grabs, my face he looks for when others crowd in.
As I held him, I talked to my Father. My heart said, "Let this be me and you. Let me take only your hand, look only for your face, rely only on your security and comfort, be at peace only when I'm in your arms." And I thought about the little one I carried. Thought about how much he needs his mama. His forever mama. So he won't ever have to search for a face that belongs to him, a face that won't leave him, arms that won't ever let him go - because he'll always be in them. And where these human arms may fail, His arms will always be there, as they have been all along.
I am thankful for the bit of Father's love he passed through me today, what it did to my heart, and what it does for 'my' little boy.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
My First Trip Into Beijing!
Friday, we all headed into Beijing! First, we went to the 798 art district, which I loved! It had so many interesting art exhibits, and shops, and pretty little restaurants and cafes, it's a lovely part of town.
One of my roommates taking a picture of a funny sign (half the fun of sightseeing out and about! :-)
Not sure what these things are, but there were several of them around. Rather interesting.
Plastered t-shirt, anyone?
A beautiful set of doors I fell in love with!
How much is that kitty in the window?
The neatest light fixtures!
Another neat door (can you tell I love doors?)
A red tree! I think it was wrapped in some kind of yarn or string.
Dinosaurs!
Would you like a cup of excellence? Or perhaps a cup of Ethiopia?
This building was so interesting! It was completely covered with PVC pipes.
And this one was covered in boards.
We watched this guy make some really yummy crepe-like things, it smelled SO good!
A really awkward cookie-cutter picture! They're NOT made for tall westerners, haha! I think the Chinese people snapping pictures also got quite a kick out of it. :-)
I have no idea what this tower thing is, but it looks pretty cool!
I don't know about you, but soaking in coffee doesn't really sound all that pleasant to me...
There are so many vine-covered buildings here - gorgeous! I love it!
This is where we ate lunch - Laker's Pizza. :-)
The menus were very picture-worthy. :-) I wasn't brave enough to try the 'Dances With Wolves' pizza...
Would you care for some flesh attached?
Their cheese pizza and garlic bread was quite good! Different than in the US, but very tasty and filling.
A little good clean fun! :-)
A pet chipmunk! I've always wanted one... So cute!
And his audience was pretty cute, too. :-)
One of my roommates taking a picture of a funny sign (half the fun of sightseeing out and about! :-)
Not sure what these things are, but there were several of them around. Rather interesting.
Plastered t-shirt, anyone?
A beautiful set of doors I fell in love with!
Fans!
More lovely doors!
The neatest light fixtures!
Another neat door (can you tell I love doors?)
A red tree! I think it was wrapped in some kind of yarn or string.
Dinosaurs!
Willow trees! :-D
This building was so interesting! It was completely covered with PVC pipes.
And this one was covered in boards.
We watched this guy make some really yummy crepe-like things, it smelled SO good!
A really awkward cookie-cutter picture! They're NOT made for tall westerners, haha! I think the Chinese people snapping pictures also got quite a kick out of it. :-)
I have no idea what this tower thing is, but it looks pretty cool!
I don't know about you, but soaking in coffee doesn't really sound all that pleasant to me...
There are so many vine-covered buildings here - gorgeous! I love it!
This is where we ate lunch - Laker's Pizza. :-)
The menus were very picture-worthy. :-) I wasn't brave enough to try the 'Dances With Wolves' pizza...
Would you care for some flesh attached?
Their cheese pizza and garlic bread was quite good! Different than in the US, but very tasty and filling.
A little good clean fun! :-)
A pet chipmunk! I've always wanted one... So cute!
And his audience was pretty cute, too. :-)
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Two Firsts
A beautiful morning in QYD!
This is the view from our dining room window here at the apartment. Pretty breathtaking, if you ask me. :-)
It's the Moon Festival here this week (today, in fact), so that means we get to enjoy a four-day weekend. They celebrated the festival early at the FH, so yesterday was a little party for the kiddos, and the nannies and volunteers joined in!
Mooncakes (and every other kind of round food) are a big part of the celebration. I had my first taste yesterday! I tend to think they look much better than they taste.... Perhaps it's an acquired taste. :-)
This is the view from our dining room window here at the apartment. Pretty breathtaking, if you ask me. :-)
It's the Moon Festival here this week (today, in fact), so that means we get to enjoy a four-day weekend. They celebrated the festival early at the FH, so yesterday was a little party for the kiddos, and the nannies and volunteers joined in!
Mooncakes (and every other kind of round food) are a big part of the celebration. I had my first taste yesterday! I tend to think they look much better than they taste.... Perhaps it's an acquired taste. :-)
Thursday, August 1, 2013
A New Journey Begins
Many of you have been asking me about my upcoming trip to China - how you can support me, what I’ll be doing there, and why in the world I suddenly decided to leave the country for 7 months! :-)
So here’s the story.
It’s not really sudden at all, but more of a slow burning passion that has been in my heart since I was a child. And now, at 27, the Lord has finally told me it’s time to go.
Growing up, I always loved reading the stories of Amy Carmichael and Gladys Aylward, and imagined my grown-up self rescuing little girls in Asia from mistreatment or abandonment, and being their family, loving them, teaching them how special they are to their Creator God…being His instrument to bring them hope and safety.
I knew from a very young age that I wanted to adopt children (a whole bunch!!!) when I grew up and got married (and if I didn’t get married, I was moving to India, like Amy Carmichael, and starting a girls’ home! :-) ). But it wasn’t until I was eleven that I realized you could actually adopt from other countries. That happened when a family we were acquainted with brought a daughter home from China, and we got to go meet them at the airport.
I knew right then that I desperately wanted to adopt from China, and that desire never waned.
Fast-forward sixteen years. My situation is quite different than I imagined when I was a kid. :-) And I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Where the Lord puts me is much better than where I would place myself (it doesn’t feel that way sometimes, but it’s true!). He hasn’t placed me in a position to be able to adopt (yet), and that was a big struggle for me for a long time.
But then, once I began to get my own ideas out of my head and really look to see what His desire for me was, I began to realize that perhaps instead of bringing children home right now, He was asking me to go to them.
What? Me? Shy, introverted little me? Go somewhere I've never been, to live with people I’ve never met, surrounded by a language and culture I don’t understand, hundreds of miles away from my family, friends, and everything familiar? Yikes. Waaay outside of my comfort zone. I mean, I can’t even see my comfort zone from there… That kind of thing is for someone who’s brave, and outgoing and not…not…me…. Aren’t You asking the wrong person here?
That’s not even the most intimidating thing. For years, I had resisted the idea of short-term missions. I had gone on four separate missions trips around the US when I was in high school, and while it was a good experience, it ripped my heart out leaving those kids behind every time.
I couldn’t imagine doing that to an orphan. Go love on them for a couple of weeks and then leave? Abandon them? Again? They’ve already been abandoned, what am I saying about love by leaving them all over again? No, I most definitely don’t want to have anything to do with that. I’m bringing them home or nothing.
Not to mention what it would do to my heart to leave them behind! No way!
But then, the Lord started working in my heart. I have to do it His way. Wouldn’t love, for however long I can give it, be better than no love at all? Wouldn’t it be better to pour into their little love-starved hearts all the compassion the Lord has given me, even for a little while, than to withhold it altogether?
How selfish would it be to keep my heart safe, unbroken, and well-protected, when their little hearts have been utterly crushed?
How can I say ‘no’ to the God who’s own heart was broken and crushed for me? To the One who rescued me out of the mire and adopted me into His precious family at great cost to Himself? I can’t.
So, I timidly began looking into different orphanages and foster homes in China. I contacted one that sounded nice and needed a volunteer right away….no reply. Hm. Oh, well.
As I searched around, I discovered that opportunities for someone like me were very limited. I just wanted to hold babies! But so many places I looked into only wanted nurses, doctors, teachers, office workers, groups…anyone but me, it seemed!
But God knew better. :-) He had the right place all picked out ages ago.
I stumbled across a blog.…oh, those sweet faces! I started looking into NDFH, and discovered how much they love and care for their kids - needy orphans taken from surrounding orphanages. They provide surgeries, therapy, medical care…and love, for each of these sweet babies.
Do they take volunteers?? Yes! And they take anyone who’s willing, and will take them for however long they’re able to stay, be it a week or a year! :-D They are very flexible and willing to work with individual giftings and desires to serve in different areas. (Like holding babies…)
So after some prayer and discussion with my family, I decided to apply. Might as well, right? I wasn’t absolutely sure I should go at first, but as I went through the application and interview process, and continued thinking, praying and, of course, following NDFH’s blog, over the past year I became positive beyond a doubt that this is what I’m supposed to do right now.
And I made it through! ND accepted my application and asked me to come serve with them in China! Just a minor little confirmation there… :-)
So, I am going. I will be leaving for Beijing in September and staying through the winter, until April or May or… We’ll see. I’ll come home when He shows me it’s time.
As a long-term volunteer, I’ll be helping the nannies with the babies (yay!), helping in the pre-school, and anything else they may need me to do.
Words can’t describe how excited I am! I can hardly believe I’m actually going. Sometimes it hits me how real it is, and other times I feel like I’m going to wake up from the dream any moment.
Many of you have asked if you can support me financially, and the answer is yes. :-) I am responsible for all my own living and travel expenses while I’m over there, so that there’s no undue burden placed on ND.
I have chosen not to try to raise support or ask anyone for money, but want to trust the Lord to provide for what He has called me to do. So I’ve been saving toward the trip, and waiting on Him. And one way He is choosing to provide is through gracious people wanting to help.
So if your desire is to help out in that way, you can give directly to me in person (I’m not being sent through a mission agency or anything like that), or donate through Paypal while I’m over there - I’m planning to place a 'donate’ button on my blog, so be on the lookout for that.
Most of all, though, I greatly appreciate your prayers and encouragement in this new phase of my life. You are all very special, and I’m so thankful for you!
So here’s the story.
It’s not really sudden at all, but more of a slow burning passion that has been in my heart since I was a child. And now, at 27, the Lord has finally told me it’s time to go.
Growing up, I always loved reading the stories of Amy Carmichael and Gladys Aylward, and imagined my grown-up self rescuing little girls in Asia from mistreatment or abandonment, and being their family, loving them, teaching them how special they are to their Creator God…being His instrument to bring them hope and safety.
I knew from a very young age that I wanted to adopt children (a whole bunch!!!) when I grew up and got married (and if I didn’t get married, I was moving to India, like Amy Carmichael, and starting a girls’ home! :-) ). But it wasn’t until I was eleven that I realized you could actually adopt from other countries. That happened when a family we were acquainted with brought a daughter home from China, and we got to go meet them at the airport.
I knew right then that I desperately wanted to adopt from China, and that desire never waned.
Fast-forward sixteen years. My situation is quite different than I imagined when I was a kid. :-) And I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Where the Lord puts me is much better than where I would place myself (it doesn’t feel that way sometimes, but it’s true!). He hasn’t placed me in a position to be able to adopt (yet), and that was a big struggle for me for a long time.
But then, once I began to get my own ideas out of my head and really look to see what His desire for me was, I began to realize that perhaps instead of bringing children home right now, He was asking me to go to them.
What? Me? Shy, introverted little me? Go somewhere I've never been, to live with people I’ve never met, surrounded by a language and culture I don’t understand, hundreds of miles away from my family, friends, and everything familiar? Yikes. Waaay outside of my comfort zone. I mean, I can’t even see my comfort zone from there… That kind of thing is for someone who’s brave, and outgoing and not…not…me…. Aren’t You asking the wrong person here?
That’s not even the most intimidating thing. For years, I had resisted the idea of short-term missions. I had gone on four separate missions trips around the US when I was in high school, and while it was a good experience, it ripped my heart out leaving those kids behind every time.
I couldn’t imagine doing that to an orphan. Go love on them for a couple of weeks and then leave? Abandon them? Again? They’ve already been abandoned, what am I saying about love by leaving them all over again? No, I most definitely don’t want to have anything to do with that. I’m bringing them home or nothing.
Not to mention what it would do to my heart to leave them behind! No way!
But then, the Lord started working in my heart. I have to do it His way. Wouldn’t love, for however long I can give it, be better than no love at all? Wouldn’t it be better to pour into their little love-starved hearts all the compassion the Lord has given me, even for a little while, than to withhold it altogether?
How selfish would it be to keep my heart safe, unbroken, and well-protected, when their little hearts have been utterly crushed?
How can I say ‘no’ to the God who’s own heart was broken and crushed for me? To the One who rescued me out of the mire and adopted me into His precious family at great cost to Himself? I can’t.
So, I timidly began looking into different orphanages and foster homes in China. I contacted one that sounded nice and needed a volunteer right away….no reply. Hm. Oh, well.
As I searched around, I discovered that opportunities for someone like me were very limited. I just wanted to hold babies! But so many places I looked into only wanted nurses, doctors, teachers, office workers, groups…anyone but me, it seemed!
But God knew better. :-) He had the right place all picked out ages ago.
I stumbled across a blog.…oh, those sweet faces! I started looking into NDFH, and discovered how much they love and care for their kids - needy orphans taken from surrounding orphanages. They provide surgeries, therapy, medical care…and love, for each of these sweet babies.
Do they take volunteers?? Yes! And they take anyone who’s willing, and will take them for however long they’re able to stay, be it a week or a year! :-D They are very flexible and willing to work with individual giftings and desires to serve in different areas. (Like holding babies…)
So after some prayer and discussion with my family, I decided to apply. Might as well, right? I wasn’t absolutely sure I should go at first, but as I went through the application and interview process, and continued thinking, praying and, of course, following NDFH’s blog, over the past year I became positive beyond a doubt that this is what I’m supposed to do right now.
And I made it through! ND accepted my application and asked me to come serve with them in China! Just a minor little confirmation there… :-)
So, I am going. I will be leaving for Beijing in September and staying through the winter, until April or May or… We’ll see. I’ll come home when He shows me it’s time.
As a long-term volunteer, I’ll be helping the nannies with the babies (yay!), helping in the pre-school, and anything else they may need me to do.
Words can’t describe how excited I am! I can hardly believe I’m actually going. Sometimes it hits me how real it is, and other times I feel like I’m going to wake up from the dream any moment.
Many of you have asked if you can support me financially, and the answer is yes. :-) I am responsible for all my own living and travel expenses while I’m over there, so that there’s no undue burden placed on ND.
I have chosen not to try to raise support or ask anyone for money, but want to trust the Lord to provide for what He has called me to do. So I’ve been saving toward the trip, and waiting on Him. And one way He is choosing to provide is through gracious people wanting to help.
So if your desire is to help out in that way, you can give directly to me in person (I’m not being sent through a mission agency or anything like that), or donate through Paypal while I’m over there - I’m planning to place a 'donate’ button on my blog, so be on the lookout for that.
Most of all, though, I greatly appreciate your prayers and encouragement in this new phase of my life. You are all very special, and I’m so thankful for you!
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Pictures Worth a Thousand Words
Words fail me to thank God enough for this little miracle. No, this HUGE miracle in a little bundle. I'm selfishly thankful that He chose to answer our prayers with a 'yes, I will save her life'. There's not much more I can say, our God is awesome, and Abbie Rose is living, breathing, and beautiful.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Rays of Hope
Sweet baby has had a good day! She has been fully awake and wanting to be active, though she needs to be restful for a little while longer, to keep all her tubes and wires in place. Hold on, Baby! :-)
The doctors are sounding positive, and are aiming for Monday to try removing her breathing tube. Pray the swelling in her little throat goes down in order for them to be able to do that! She so much wants to be held and her family's arms are aching to hold her close!
Praise the Lord for all He has done and is doing!
The doctors are sounding positive, and are aiming for Monday to try removing her breathing tube. Pray the swelling in her little throat goes down in order for them to be able to do that! She so much wants to be held and her family's arms are aching to hold her close!
Praise the Lord for all He has done and is doing!
Friday, March 29, 2013
More Praise for The Lord!
Baby has been awake and tracking so much today! You can definitely tell she knows people are here.
FB Prayer Page
If you have Facebook, you can join this page to get updates on Baby!
https://www.facebook.com/#!/PrayingForAbbie
Please spread the word! God can do anything.
https://www.facebook.com/#!/PrayingForAbbie
Please spread the word! God can do anything.
Hope!
Baby has gone 24 hours with no seizures! Her eyes have been opening, and she's doing better than yesterday. Keep on praying!
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Resurrection Power
Please be in prayer for my dear friend's foster baby. This precious little 10-month-old was taken to the ICU late Saturday night with a high fever and seizures. There are no answers as to the cause, or how to help her. She desperately needs prayer!
We're praying our Jesus who conquered death will bring miraculous healing this Easter!
Here's my friend's blog post on this sweet baby - http://bythisiknowlove.blogspot.com/2013/03/pray-for-miracle.html
Please pray for my friend's family as well, this is very difficult thing to go through!
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