There is not a single one of these children that I do not love, that I would not take home with me in a heartbeat if I could. But there are certain ones that capture your heart in a different way, a special connection. And he is one of those.
I have read many stories of children being adopted, and the majority of them, particularly those from overseas, go through a grieving process. It's something I never fully understood until now. Adoption is wonderful and amazing, and each of these precious children need a family who will take them in, love them, and make them their own. But being here in China with these children before they meet their families has given me a whole new perspective.
A child's life doesn't begin when they are placed in a family. They've already been living. They have experienced a life that has become familiar. They have a routine that they know, heard a language they understand, discovered likes and dislikes, formed attachments... This is the life they know, and as much as we might know that they need a family, and they will be the better for it, that is not something that's easily explained to a two-year-old.
I can hardly imagine what it would be like to suddenly be torn from everything known and safe, to be taken from your familiar routine, familiar food, familiar language, people you love, and never return. Even if you did fully understand that where you're going is better, it would still be extremely difficult. What would it be like if you didn't understand it at all?
I know how hard it is for me to let go of this little one, being one of the people he loves (and it's mutual, trust me), even when I know it's what's best for him. My heart breaks when I think of how hard it will be for him, not fully comprehending why he's so suddenly taken away, and handed over to people he's never met before. He will grieve.
I've heard it said that little children don't understand when someone leaves that they will come back, or even that they still exist. When you leave a baby at the babysitter's and they cry, it's because they think you've really left them for good. And they grieve for you as though you had died. I've seen this over and over.
'My' little guy is usually pretty happy-go-lucky, but on one particularly rough day, as I left the room at the end of my 'work' time, he turned around, saw I had gone, and immediately burst into tears. It reminded me of the first day I really got to know him, when he clung close to me for a whole day, and cried if I stepped away from him for a minute. I couldn't let him cry. I couldn't let him grieve before it was time. So I went back into the room, scooped him up, and held him close, whispering in his ear how much he was loved, that he wouldn't be left alone, that I would come back...
My hope for him is that his grief will be short-lived, that he will quickly learn to love his new family, and attach to them as readily and fully as he attached to me. And I hope for grace and blessing on these special people who can truly stay in his life forever, who will never leave him, and who will love and care for him always.
