He Will Give You the Desires of Your Heart

All things work together for good to them that love God.

He is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think.

This week I found myself having to choose.  Choose between what I want, and what God wants.  Between taking things into my own hands and leaving them in His.  Oh, that's hard sometimes!  Who am I kidding....it's hard all the time! 

I like to have a plan for everything, all laid out nice and neat.  I like to have something definite to do.  I like to know exactly what to do, when to do it, how to do it, and why I'm doing it.  I like knowing what to expect.  I like knowing exactly what will happen, when, and how.  It feels safe, secure, comfortable.  I don't like not knowing.  Which is really quite a challenge, since life is full of not knowing!

As the Lord continually nudges me outside of my little comfort bubble, I can look back and see how far He has brought me in this area - yippee, I'm more flexible and relaxed than I used to be!!!  :-D  And then I look forward at how far I have left to go - yeah, about that...could we just hit fast-forward, pretty please? 

Whenever I reach a place of assurance or conviction, I can be pretty certain that it will be tested.  Sometimes I'm ready, and sometimes, I forget to steel myself... 

A desire I think has been mastered sneaks up and takes me by surprise.  In a battle, the element of surprise is everything.  I'm walking along one day, minding my own business, when whammo!  It hits me, and sends me reeling.  Some attacks take longer to recover from than others, and many are a day to day, conscious and continual giving over of my desires, my plans, my dreams, to the One who gave them in the first place.

Surrender.  It sounds easy.  It sounds like giving up.  Waving the white flag and saying, 'I'm done, I give up, it's over.'  But shockingly, holding one's hand open, letting everything that comprises my life rest lightly on my open palm to either continue resting there, or be blown away by the winds of God's will, takes an incredible amount of work and will-power.  It goes against everything in me!  I want to hold on for dear life!  I don't like feeling out of control!  I don't like the free-fall of letting go and trusting that something I can't see will safely catch me!

But I think that's part of the point.  When I hang on, when I take control, and try to force things to go my way, I end up in a lonely, miserable place.  Because anything that is not done in God's way is unsatisfying. 

I constantly have to remind myself that if I knew everything that God knows, I would choose what He chooses for me.  Sometimes, He takes away something good because he wants to give me something better. 

Many of my desires are for good things.  But should I be aiming for something good?  Or, in surrender, allowing God to bring me His best in His time, and in His own way?  I think the answer is obvious.

I was mulling these things over today and realized that every desire that arises in me, is an opportunity to give it back to the Lord.  It is the opportunity to recognize Christ's Sovereign control over my life, and praise Him for it. 

At that moment I let go, it is then that I realize all my fear was for nothing, because this, this is freedom.  This surrender, this loss of control, this is where joy and peace and rest are found.  In the bliss of knowing all rests in His capable hands, and He never, ever fails.

Foiled plans, disappointed desires, hopes with no result in sight...  These are the Lord's proving grounds.  Do I love Him, or do I not?  How much am I willing to give up?  How much am I willing to let Him handle, instead of trying to orchestrate things myself?  Is what I think I want more to me than everything that Christ is and desires for me?

Oh, Heaven, help me.  Psalm 37:4-5 says:

"Delight yourself also in the LORD; and He shall give you the desires of your heart.  Commit your way to the LORD; trust also in Him; and He will bring it to pass." 

The word 'delight' used here means to be soft and pliable.  In other words, as I allow myself to be molded and shaped into the image of Christ, His desires will become mine.  He will fulfill my desires, because I will desire what He desires. 

And it will be worth every moment of struggle. 

The journey really is amazing.  It really is worth savoring each moment, praising Jesus for them, and for what He is accomplishing through them. 

Lord, help me to let go, and let You.

'To Kill a Mockingbird': The Learning Curve

I'm rather ashamed to admit that in the beginning I wasn't overly excited about this show...  I think that stemmed from not really knowing the story.  I mean, I knew what it was about, I'd seen the movie years ago (and I'm afraid I thought it rather boring at the time...), but there's a difference between knowing something in your head and knowing it in your heart.

When I was cast, I hoped that it would be a good learning experience, that I would be challenged and stretched as an actress, even though I've had this type of role before.  To be honest, originally, I didn't really want this role because on the surface it was so similar to other things I've done before and I much prefer to change things up.  But I chose to leave it in the Lord's hands and decided that if I were cast, I would accept the role, no matter what it was.  And of course, like so many times before, I got the part I would have preferred not to get...and like those previous times, I fell in love with it anyway and realized that it was God's orchestration.  And He knows what He's doing, Hallelujah! 

So as I started to study the script, I began to see that there was a lot more to this role, to this story, than I originally thought...a lot more.  Maybe it's just me, but as a general rule, I tend to shy away from things that everybody raves about, be it a book, a movie, a clothing style, whatever.  I mean, if everybody loves it, it can't be very original for me to love it, too!  (Can you tell I have a slightly independent spirit?)  So those 'popular' kinds things, I usually take with a grain of salt and a lot of skepticism.

And then I read the book.  Oh, boy.  I'm a firm believer in always reading the book in preparation for a literature-based show, but I actually toyed with the idea of keeping the script as my only source-material this time!  That would have been a mistake.  What an amazing piece of literature. 

A lot of people seem to take it merely as a civil-rights piece, focused solely on race.  But if that's where we stop in our assessment of it, we are missing the whole point!  It's not about black and white, it's about people period.  It's about looking past what we see on the outside of a person, not just skin color, but age, personality, social standing, anything that makes another person in any way different from ourselves.  We humans always seem to quickly pick up on the things that make people different, and by nature we tend to treat them as less than ourselves.

The race issue has always been...well, black and white to me.  I mean, isn't it obvious how wrong it is to treat anyone in a certain way based on the color of their skin??  We're all human beings, we all descended from Adam, created by the same Creator who loves us all equally.  So reading a book that was just going to tell me what I knew already wasn't particularly motivating at first, but I soon began to realize how deep it really went and I could see the same lesson being played out at every turn.  And that excited me!

There are a lot books, stories, etc. out there that people rave about as being so meaningful, but when I read them and compare them to Scripture, they just fall apart, devoid of depth.  I mistakenly thought this book might be one of those.  But I was wrong, it's powerful.  So powerful.  The way Atticus determines to treat people is everything Jesus tells us to do, and to 'see' it played out in true-to-life, semi-modern scenarios helps to make those Biblical lessons so clear and so simple.  It sheds new light on what we already know.

And so, by the end of the book, I finally knew the story, and I finally knew how really worthwhile this show is.  The last few rehearsals, it's really started coming from the gut for me, and I'm eagerly looking forward to presenting this amazing story to audiences for the next month.  I pray God will move in the hearts of all those who come to see the show, and that He'll continue to work in the hearts of our cast and crew.

Every person, I mean every single person, has value before God.  Every single person has a story, a reason for being the way they are, be it good or bad.  Our job is to treat each other with respect, with love, with understanding, with patience.  To look at things from their point of view.  Each person, no matter how unattractive in looks or attitude, is still created in the image of God and because of that, if for no other reason, we must 'crawl inside their skin and walk around in it'.

And maybe, just maybe, someone else will do that for us, too.